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The Trump Bible

Michael DuduitHumor

After presidential candidate Donald Trump told crowds that the Bible was his “favorite book” but then could not tell interviewers what might be a favorite verse (or any verse), Twitter picked up on the idea of creating a “Trump translation” of various Bible passages, phrased so as to capture that distinctive Trump idiom. Among the best at this game has been Eric Metaxas, a well-known evangelical author, speaker, and radio host. Here’s a sampling of his #TrumpBible offerings:

  1. In the beginning, was the Word, and the Word was TERRIFIC. And also YUUUUGE. #TrumpBible

  2. And Jesus went out into the desert. But he should have invested in hotels there. I mean I’m killing it in Vegas. A LOT of money. #TrumpBible

  3. Nathan said to David: “You are the man!” And David said, “No YOU are the man!” And they high-fived each other. It was fabulous. #TrumpBible

  4. Take a little wine for thy stomach’s sake. And if you’re eating the Surf & Turf you can go with the red OR the white. Your call. #TrumpBible

  5. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. For a season. #TrumpBible

  6. At the Last Supper, Jesus said to Judas: “What you must do, do quickly. And do it under budget if possible. Unheard of, right?” #TrumpBible

  7. Why do the heathen rage? Because they want jobs. And I’m the greatest job creator God ever made. And then some. Am I right? #TrumpBible

  8. A sower went out to sow. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love sowers. But they’re killing us. They’re sending us their worst sowers. #TrumpBible

  9. A man went to Jericho & he was set upon by thieves. Because they have lousy security in Jericho. The Unions destroyed it there. #TrumpBible

  10. Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but I have duplexes with views of the East River. The Chinese are buying them like crazy. #TrumpBible

  11. You’ve heard it said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,” but I say unto you that’s lousy negotiating. Why break even? #TrumpBible

  12. A good wife, who can find? I found three. #TrumpBible

  13. A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown. But I was born in Queens, so who cares? #TrumpBible

  14. And Jesus came to them walking on the waves and said, “Have you seen the polls? I’m like WAY ahead. It’s not even close.” #TrumpBible

  15. Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. Wait a minute…I don’t want to get that specific. #TrumpBible

You can read more Metaxas quotes at https://m.facebook.com/eric.metaxas/posts/1658037631083835